Auto-correct kept on changing “hump” to “jump.” I never learned who or when this name came about, but honestly, it’s quite ridiculous.

Yesterday I was very good in not spending money. My only purchase was at Au Bon Pain for an iced peach tea ($2.17). I made an awesome turkey sandwich for dinner. I also made one for Sunny on a hero with turkey, ham, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions and avocado. This was supposed to be his lunch for today but he ate half of it when he got home. I felt bad that he wouldn’t have anything to eat at home so I left him my lunch (rice and chicken stew) and brought a bagel and yogurt for me.

I’m en route to work at the moment. People warned me about not getting too comfortable at my job with the pay and benefits, otherwise I’d probably never advance in my educational career. Good thing I like to be stimulated because this 9-5 thing is not quite for me. I feel very fortunate to have landed this job & will forever be grateful to everyone. During the time I was in school, they were very understanding of my schedule and dual responsibilities. However, making copies and binding isn’t something I want to do forever. I don’t know what my co-workers make but I don’t think my salary makes up for the amount of work that is thrown at me. I can’t imagine that a legal assistant makes much during a lifetime anyway, but it’s just office politics I’m not happy with. I literally get work from all PI attorneys (seven) even though some attorneys have their own assistant. I also attend IME’s, go to court, deal with 80% of the Spanish-speaking clients and other things the rest of the staff doesn’t do. It becomes overwhelming sometimes but I’m working on not stressing because I’ve come to learn who takes their work seriously and who doesn’t. Anyway, this whole experience has pushed me to be proactive about my future and that’s what’s keeping me motivated.

I’ve had a shit commute today. Honestly, it’s taken me over an hour. It never takes this long! I’m a stop away, but come on. I should’ve left earlier, this is true, but I didn’t have my outfit ready because I needed to look through about half a dozen bags and boxes. I hope our laundry closes late because I have a lot of washing to do. I also woke up late. Sunny got to bed at 5:30 and my alarm was set for 6:00 so obviously my body wasn’t happy with five hours of sleep after yoga, salsa class and running around all day. I didn’t get out of bed until 7:00 even though my alarm kept going off every fifteen minutes. Oh well. I’m here. I need to make time up from yesterday so I probably won’t take a lunch hour today. Hmph.

I’m going to look up what Budweiser means. How appropriate that their slogan is: “great times are waiting, grab some buds.”

Sunny wants to talk to me about my anger issues. If he brings it up, I’ll want to talk to him about where my anger stems from. He has some nerve.

I went to a yoga class today during lunch. I wasn’t asked if I’m pregnant which was good. What kills me is that I’m honestly not that fat. I’ve always been chubby. To be signaled out for how I look is totally rude. I’ve been told it could have been the glow in my face when I’m happy. I can’t help it if it’s little things that make me smile. Anyway, the class was pretty good. I need to work on my upper body strength and get rid of these rolls.

I’m probably not gonna drink tonight. I’ll probably just make myself a sandwich and lunch for tomorrow, shower, set my clothes aside for work and sleep. Sunny can take the lunch he forgot today. He said the stew was kinda dry. I don’t see how if it was very watery but that’s what he gets.

I was fully loaded today. I brought my lunch, yoga mat, change of clothes and LSAT book in a tote bag and a leather handbag. Both were heavy but I made do. I hit the books in preparation for the [unscheduled] exam and intended on continuing after dance class but I forgot it :(

Today I realized that my level of stress is through the roof. I’ve always been aware of the high level, but the tension that builds up at the shoulders was causing me so much pain that I had to get a massage during lunch. I don’t know how to calm down. I’m always thinking and a lot of things bother me. I like to think that they don’t but when everything catches up I lose it.

Example: I’m in a “modern” train car right now. On average, 6 people fit on a long seat, 3 on either side of the pole. There’s a man sitting at an extreme side of the street with a couple of inches of space for him to move right. He’s too fucking busy on his laptop to notice. I skipped a “seat” (a space) and sat to the right of the pole. A woman comes in and decides to sit between us. I’ve no problem with this, except that I’ve been pushed over to the left so my body is positioned awkwardly. What bothers me is that the man & I more or less paid the same amount to board the train & somehow, I’m inconvenienced as a result of his lack of consideration for others, meanwhile he’s comfortably playing around with his MacBook Air. I start thinking of how unfair this is, which leads to me thinking of other injustices in the world.

Example: I hate hair. In an alternate universe, we’d all be beings with close to perfect bodies & hair-free. Sex would be based on appeal and many of the world’s problems would be eliminated because a great deal of peace would come from this. I’ve been meaning to wax my arm hair (which I do every couple of months; never shave) but I just haven’t had the time to. From this I start thinking about the things I have to do and things I haven’t had time for but should get to. I start to stress more because time is of the essence and at 23, I don’t feel that I’ve gotten very far in life. I worry about the future and can’t seem to focus & live in the now. It’s physical and emotional challenges that I continue to fight to overcome. It wears me out. I don’t know if it’s being in New York or if there’s just something wrong with me but I seem to always hit a level exhaustion that interferes with my day-to-day activities.

More later…

Six days ago I moved in with my boyfriend. The whole process could’ve been a lot smoother but alas. We started off with practically nothing (i.e. we slept on the floor the first night) but we’ve managed to make do with what I had & with what we’ve accumulated along the way. I’m not crazy about the place but I do like how we’ve come together to make decisions & such. We’re making it home. It’s certainly better now than day one. I’m excited… hopefully within in a month everything will be set.

Yesterday I bought some cookware & dishware. I forgot the cutlery. I was tired of eating shit & not eating at all so I decided to make penne in marinara sauce mixed with cubed chicken. I cook the pasta - fine. I pour Ragu into the saucepan & let it simmer - fine. The problem was the chicken - no cutting board or knife. I used scissors (new!) & put the cubes in a plastic bag. I marinated it with a tiny bit of vinegar & ginger dressing (leftover from lunch earlier) and then just cooked. Long story short, it came out absolutely delicious. I can’t wait for dinner today.

If I hear another announcement asking that we “please be patient,” I may just scream. It’s taken close to 40 minutes for 5 stops and I’m honestly about to lose it. I had a perfectly good chance of getting in at 9:30 & now I’m gonna have to stay later. It’s always fucking something.

I can’t stand being in that place anymore. I don’t know if hypocrisy and crookedness are abundant in other work settings. If they are, I’m in for a lifetime of major depression. I’m done doing everything by the book. It’s 9:16AM right now & I’m supposed to be in by 9:00AM. Do I care? Yes. How much? Not as much as I would’ve a year ago. I just won’t take my lunch hour & will leave 7 hours from now. That’s what my life has become. A ticking clock. There has to be something better.

Yesterday I was so upset I actually complained. Not that I haven’t complained before but it’s just become ridiculous. I’m doing work that our firm isn’t even supposed to be doing but I do it because I care about the client & simultaneously, not losing the case. I’m also doing work that’s supposed to be done by my own co-workers but everyone’s so busy shopping & socializing that I suppose they just lose track of time. All of this & I still get fucked over in more ways than one. It’s whatever though because after the move, I’m going to look for a weekend job that pays cash to either make that tax cap or just get extra dough. Fucking system.

Fucking 6 train! It’s 9:28AM & I had a perfectly good chance of making it in by 9:30AM. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Whatever “anheurism” means, I think it’s related to stress & I think I may get it. I feel like a ticking time bomb since Saturday & just want to punch something really hard and scream until I give out. Scary, violent thoughts. There’s nothing my mom, Sunny or anyone in my family can say or do because everyone must think I’m happy because things seem to be falling into place but they’re really not. I tried making an appointment with a therapist because I was majorly depressed a couple of months ago. The doctor wasn’t accomodating at all because my insurance is a piece of shit.

All of this just makes me wanna vomit.

I think I enjoy posting here because even though it’s meant to be seen by anyone, I’m pretty sure no one does. Is there even a way to check? I don’t really care.

Anyway, I was sent on an IME today. It was a male IME which is unusual. I wasn’t happy - today of all days I chose to wear black (well, it’s not much different from most other days, but I’m usually in an air-conditioned office & avoid being outside at all costs) & the humidity level is through the roof. The IME went well. As I was walking back to the train station (which was, by the way, almost 7 blocks away), I stopped at a Chase to see if I could get a printout of my transactions. I ended up staying longer than I intended (15mins!) but I’ll fess up & my office manager will know since something’s being faxed over to him. Whatever.

I was mad I didn’t even get a chance to finish my breakfast. I was literally informed of the IME 30 minutes before it started, so I really only had 25 minutes to get there on time. I don’t even like seeing that doctor because the wait time is ridiculous. The top priority on my list right now is getting proof of payment for my “delinquent” accounts. I thought I’d used my Chase account but apparently not. I hate that I never got to organizing & geting this shit together.

I finished a bag of Famous Amos cookies & I feel sick. Bleh.

At least that’s who I felt like last night after I got my diamond stud out of the drain.

It all started with that little voice inside telling me to take my earrings off for the gym. I wasn’t having it so I kept them on. It was all good until I got home after my workout. My left shoulder has been feeling very stiff lately so I have limited ROM (it feels as if it’s going to “freeze”). Anyway as I was carefully/awkwardly taking my shirt off in the bathroom, I knocked the earring out of my left ear and watched dreadfully as it went down the sink drain. My facial expression was priceless.

I continued with my shower, wondering if I’d ever see the stud again & if Sunny would get upset (they were a random present). I even contemplated ordering another pair from the same company. My imagination runs wild sometimes.

I got out of the shower & texted Jonathan to see if there was anything I could do. His reply:

10:30PM: No. Unless you have a hook that can reach the drain.

Sure, let me pull one out of my ass.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I started to play around with the drain system & noticed it was very cheap & poorly installed. As I was going about with my inspection, he came to offer his help. As he looked for a wrench, I was already unscrewing the pieces that keep the pipes together. I took out the “L”-shaped piece & voila - stud retrieved! I proudly showed Matt & he was shocked but happy for me.

Nothing is impossible!

I won’t get into what a jerk Sunny was when I was telling him what had happened. It’s whatever though. I’m used it.

I counted my eggs too soon today.

When I got to work, a co-worker looked very unstable. An hour later, “Alex” went home. We usually have lunch together & know each other well enough, but “Alex” did not want to share what was wrong. I need to follow up later.

Work itself was whatever. I did what I had to do & left at 5 on the dot. My boss printed out a motion with the wrong caption the other day & expected that I serve it again today at 4:30PM. I didn’t set that happening seeing as to how I wasn’t in the mood & it wasn’t pressing. Plus, the plaintiffs already got the idea so they could get to work. Hmph.

Sunny went to sign the application & was told there was a problem with some delinquent accounts. I have 2 and he has 1. As far as I’m concerned, both we’re paid. I’m pretty sure I have proof of payment for both. My concern is that I don’t for the HSBC account and it’ll hurt our chances for the apartment. I have 14 days left in that hell hole & they couldn’t come faster.

Jonathan texted me the other day to inform me that the room would be shown on Saturday at 1PM & Sunday at 3PM. I was out for many hours on both days to avoid seeing anyone because 1) I hate being there 2) I wasn’t in a hypocritical or fighting mood. I got home at 5PM & made dinner. Sunny stopped by at 6:30PM for a couple of minutes. As he was leaving, Jonathan walks up with the 3 o’clock. WTF. I stayed in the kitchen while it was being shown. The kicker: the prospective occupant asked why I was leaving. Jonathan’s response: “she’s moving in with her boyfriend.”

I was in the bathroom overhearing this conversation. I’m thinking, “MOTHER FUCKER, YOU TOLD ME YOUR GRANDMA WOULD BE STAYING HERE SO I HAD TO LEAVE!” I didn’t say anything, though. Then Abraham, the African kid now renting the living room, said everyone was cool & he liked being there. I walked right past them into my room & rolled my eyes. I may have come off as obnoxious but quite frankly, I don’t care. I was lied to from day 1 & yet I did everything I was supposed to. I followed his rules & was nothing but respectful. He’s the charlatan who deceives people - he even has business cards claiming to be an artist with a studio & uses the apartment as his address. To my knowledge, all the room are occupied.

I wanted to call my mom today & thank her once again for being a selfish bitch but it would’ve made her cancel tomorrow. She doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve called for something of an intervention with Sunny. I’m hoping for the best but who knows. I at least want to know that I tried.

This haircut is attracting a lot of unwanted attention. I can’t wait until the bangs grow out so I could at least sweep them to the side. The style isn’t hard work, but it is a lot to manage. Also, I hate that I actually have to use gunk on my hair (like spray). My stylist recommended wax, but the one she uses is $16 so I was like, “nuh-uh!” I look good though. It’s motivated me to change up my look. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments & it’s just a great confidence booster, considering how low it was before.

I’ve been waiting for the F train for over 5 minutes. I’ll go home, change for gym, see if my uncle’s available to give me my mail, go to gym by 7:30PM, be back by 10PM & sleep by 11PM. At least that’s the plan. I’d much rather stay home, drink, watch Prison Break & knock out.

Woke up in an unusually good mood. I had a good, calm weekend. I’m en route to work & the train has come to a stop so I’ll recap.

I had an appointment on Saturday for an apartment viewing. I put in an application for the slightly larger unit which includes a den and terrace. I hardly ever pray but I sure am for this. I know I know. I should have a response today. I’ll be extremely crushed if we don’t get it.

God dammit - commute was going so well until being delayed for oh, FIFTEEN MINUTES. These people are criminal. The worst part is that if I look for the delay online it won’t be there.

Back to my weekend… After the apartment viewing I went to a nearby diner & only paid $6 for breakfast. I could get used to that! Not to mention the shopping. Oh boy.

Then I had an appointment for a Brazilian. I’m using all 3 visits, I don’t care. I’m not really in the position to be paying $60 per session every month at the moment. I’ll just use up this last one in August & come across a $25 deal.

I walked around Midtown and came across the Mets official store. I got John a keychain with the name Juan. Sigh. I’m trying!

I tried posting 2 separate entries today but I’ve lost both. The first was in the morning & dealt with how much I hate Newark, especially Broad Street area. The second was about how I don’t appreciate people who mistake me for a cushion on the train & my first white hair. I copied that one but turned off my phone so I lost all data on the clipboard.

Now I’m on the E train en route to NJ. Let me just say, people who board the train at this time are weird, in a not-so-nice way. The train smells like complete & utter shit (more like dried up urine mixed with sweat & on unwashed bodies). The people? There was an elderly man who cleaned his teeth with his finger & spit on the floor. Lovely! I didn’t want to put my duffel bag on the floor for that reason but some lady was looking at my feet/legs & though I’m wearing pants, I didn’t want her to see my unshaven legs so I put the bag above my feet but now I swear I’m itchy. Oh, gotta love Queens.

I’ve got so much to do this next week! I estimate I’ll only complete 60% on the agenda.

I’ve gotta comment on work - I can’t stand people who complain about having to do it. People are spoiled like crazy & I blame employers who give in to every little demand & put up with it. I complain about the BS from work - dealing with clients who are pathological liars, dealing with people’s attitudes, etc. - but about work itself?

If my role is to be an assistant, then I’m going to do exactly that - assist in whatever work needs to be done! The work isn’t always fun, but what in life is? Do I like drawing 5 sets of 30 authorizations? No, but that demand needs to be complied with so guess what - I do it!

Do I want to be a legal assisant forever? No. The monotony is something I can put up temporarily but I don’t feel like it’s my higher calling. That’s not to say I don’t love what I do. I like that for the most part, my organizational & language skills make me a useful part of the team. I’m also a quick learner & output work at a generally quick pace. My favorite part of the job is being able to help non-English speakers & advise them of their rights.

For example, a client who I’ve known since his case was signed up reaches me on my cell phone if it’s important. Today he called me at 7PM because the pharamacy he’s been filling up at for years denied him his medication because the insurance company was asking for his SSN. These kinds of situations make me furious. I called the pharmacy & was unjustly explosive with the pharmacist. I reached out to the insurance company & to make it short, they did need it but were willing to work around it. In the end, client got his medications.

Okay I’m done. On my way to NJ now :)